


tracks in the snow.

by porcelainsimplicity



Series: christmas stories [22]
Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Advent Challenge, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Christmas, M/M, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 23:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17069270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelainsimplicity/pseuds/porcelainsimplicity
Summary: Down where the river bends, everyone's waitingBut that's not the reason I'm making these tracks in the snowThere's a box in my hands as I goWrapped up in scarlet and goldFor youor:  John's sick of the Brotherhood and decides to come home and make amends.  Charles lets him stay.  Bobby is unsure about this.





	tracks in the snow.

**Author's Note:**

> Day 19 Prompt: Write about someone who’s determined to make amends at Christmas.  
> Day 19 Title Song: Tracks In The Snow – The Civil Wars

There was a blizzard going on that Christmas Eve, but John didn't care. He was tired of living the life that he'd condemned himself to and he was going home. Home didn't mean his parents' house, because they were long gone. Home didn't mean his last foster parents' house, because he never wanted to see those fucking assholes again. Home didn't mean an apartment or house of his own, because he'd been too busy fighting a war to ever settle down. No, home was the one place that he was certain he wouldn't be welcomed back to, but he was going to try regardless. 

That was why he'd taken the train to Salem Center, thought about getting a taxi before realizing he didn't have enough money to get him five blocks, let alone all the way home, and so he'd started walking. That had been hours ago, and though he thought at first that perhaps he wouldn't remember the way, as soon as he got out of the city he found he remembered every corner like he'd last been there yesterday, not nearly five years ago. He stopped when he saw the mansion come into view, took a deep breath as he approached the gates, and stood there once he realized that they were closed. He didn't want to try the intercom because he knew he'd be immediately rejected, so he just stood there, hoping for the first time that the Professor would try to read his mind. 

He knew of no other way to convey what he was thinking and feeling than to just let the Professor see it all.

It took awhile before he heard the gentle _John, it's so nice to see you_ go through his mind, and then the gates slowly opened. He walked through them when the gap was wide enough and made his way up to the front door, taking a moment to compose himself before opening the door and walking inside. Charles was sitting there in the entry, no one else around, and for that, John was thankful. He dropped his backpack down to the ground and stared at Charles for a moment before taking a deep breath. “I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I don't want to be like that anymore. I just I wanted to come home. I know I'm probably not welcome, but I wanted to come home.”

“You did a lot of really awful things, John.”

John dropped his head down. “I know.”

“But I can also tell that you wish you hadn't,” Charles said, drawing John's head back up. “I will always welcome you home, John. You have always been. I know that you left for a reason.”

John swallowed hard. “I felt like I had no other choice but to leave. I felt suffocated.”

“That's not it.” 

“You're right,” John said honestly. “It's not.”

Charles studied him for a moment. “You felt like you were being replaced,” he eventually said. “You thought he cared more about Rogue than he did about you.” 

John sucked in a sharp breath and nodded. “It's ridiculous, I know. I've realized that now, but at the time...”

“But at the time you were a teenage boy who didn't know any better,” Charles finished. “I take it that you have realized why you felt that way now?”

“You know I did,” John said, and Charles just smiled. 

“I think that love is a beautiful thing. But when you are not expecting that love, or that you think that love will be unrequited, it can be quite a terrifying thing.”

“I'll get over it.”

“You shouldn't have to get over it,” Charles pointed out. “Love should be allowed to flourish.”

“I know him, Professor. I know that I need to get over it.”

“John, I think that perhaps you don't know him at all.” Charles looked towards the hallway. “Perhaps now would be a good time to find out.”

John went to say something but Bobby walked into the entry, freezing the moment he saw John. “Professor.”

“Bobby, help me to welcome John home.”

Bobby's eyes widened. “Home?”

“I have told you many times that repentant, remorseful mutants that joined the Brotherhood would always be welcome here,” Charles said strongly. “John is repentant and remorseful. He does not wish to continue that life and therefore he is welcome.”

Bobby's gaze shifted between John and Charles before nodding. “If you say so, Professor.”

“I do,” Charles said, wheeling himself towards the elevator. “Show John to a room please. I think the one next to yours will work just fine. And Bobby? Remember what we have spoken about.”

Charles got into the elevator and left John and Bobby standing there, staring at each other and both completely unsure of what to say. Eventually Bobby just nodded towards John's backpack. “Is that all you have?”

“Yes,” John said softly. “I don't have much.”

“You never have,” Bobby murmured. “Pick it up and follow me.”

John grabbed his bag and followed Bobby up the stairs, walking through hallways until he was in the corridor where all the professors' rooms always were. “You're a professor now?”

“You have a problem with that?” Bobby snapped, not looking back at him.

“No,” John said quickly. “I just didn't know. I just knew you were a member of the X-Men.”

“And how did you know that?”

“Bobby, we've faced each other on a number of battlefields. It would kind of been hard not to notice that.”

Bobby stopped in front of a door and took a deep breath. “The less you mention things like that, the easier this will be, okay?”

“I'll try to remember that,” John said as Bobby opened the door, following him into the room and tossing the backpack onto the bed. “Thanks.”

“When was the last time you ate something?” Bobby asked after a moment.

“Probably two days ago,” John said.

“Two days ago?” Bobby exclaimed. “That's it. We're going to the kitchen now.”

“Bobby, go back to whatever you were doing,” John said. “It's fine.”

“It can wait. This cannot,” Bobby said seriously. “I'm not going to let you die of hunger, no matter how angry I am.”

“I'm not going to die of hunger.”

“But you're hungry.”

John stared at him for a moment before sighing. “Of course I'm hungry. I've been hungry for years. Food wasn't exactly a priority.”

“No wonder you're so skinny,” Bobby murmured. “You haven't been taking care of yourself.”

“I've been trying to survive,” John said angrily. “It's not as easy out there as it is here.”

“I know that,” Bobby said softly. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that to you again.”

“What? Remind me of Bobby Drake and his perfect family and how you wouldn't know hardship if you tried?” John just shook his head. “That was one of the things you were best at.”

Bobby took a deep breath and gave John an apologetic look. “I know. And don't think that I didn't notice that you took off right after you finally met them, no matter how much they were fucking assholes when we were there.”

“Has that gotten better?” John asked after a moment. “I always wondered.”

“I haven't spoken to them again,” Bobby said quietly. “And I don't have any plans to.”

“I'm sorry,” John offered. “I know how much you loved them.”

“I know you do,” Bobby said, clearing his throat. “Kitchen. We're going to the kitchen.”

“You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?”

Bobby shook his head. “You don't have to starve anymore.”

“Alright,” John eventually said. “I suppose you're right.”

“I know I am,” Bobby said, watching him for a moment. “It might not seem like it but I am glad to see you. I always worried that you weren't okay.”

“I wasn't,” John said honestly. “I haven't been okay since before I left. I'm hoping that I can get that figured out now that I'm here.”

“I hope you do. Maybe by the time you do that I'll have done the same.” John gave him a curious look and Bobby just shrugged. “I've been trying to figure out who I really am ever since the thing with my family. I've come to some surprising conclusions but I haven't worked it all out yet.”

“I know I'm probably the last person in the world you want to talk to, but if you ever want to, I'll be glad to listen.”

“It may take awhile, but I might just do that,” Bobby said. “Now come on, kitchen.”

John nodded and followed him out of the room. “I don't suppose they've started in on making the students' dinner for the night, have they?”

“You have no idea what time it is, do you?” Bobby asked, shaking his head. “The students' dinner hour started nearly forty minutes ago.”

“I guess I don't. Don't really have anything to tell time by at the moment.”

“Why not?”

“Ditched everything that would connect me back to them,” John said. “Left it all in an alley in Philadelphia. When they go looking for me because I didn't end up at the safehouse, that's what they'll find.”

“Tracker?”

“Of course.”

“So you came all the way from Philadelphia?”

“Yes. Used the last of my money to take the train here. Only have about five bucks left.”

Bobby stopped walking and turned to look at him. “What were you going to do if we didn't let you in?”

“I really don't want to answer that.”

“Too fucking bad,” Bobby said firmly. “Answer it.”

John sighed heavily. “I hid a gun in the trees about a mile from here because I didn't want to bring it into the school. You know the rest of it. I won't sugarcoat it.”

Bobby swallowed hard. “Really?”

“I am not returning to that life,” John said seriously. “So it was either being allowed to come home or ending this misery. Those were my only two options.”

Bobby peered at him for a moment before reaching out and pulling John into an embrace. “I don't want you to ever think that is an option again.”

“I don't either,” John admitted, sliding his arms around Bobby's waist. “I just didn't think I had any other choice.”

“Well, then it's our job to make sure that you realize that you do,” Bobby said, pulling back. “Come on. Kitchen.”

John swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay.”

**********

John woke up to the sound of a choir singing, taking him a moment before realized he was at the mansion. He relaxed and took a deep breath, flipping onto his back and glancing over at the clock. It was just past eight o'clock in the morning, which meant it was Christmas Day, and the choir singing suddenly made sense. He remembered Christmases from his childhood and the choir always sang a few carols before the students had been allowed to start opening their presents. He remembered the anticipation of his youth and how he always hated the choir for delaying things, and, as the sounds of _Jingle Bells_ filtered their way through walls and to his ears, he wondered how many of the children gathered felt that same way. He suspected it was a lot.

There was a knock on his door about twenty minutes after the choir stopped, and he yelled out for whoever it is to come in. There were only a handful of people who knew he was currently in that room, and he figured there must be a reason that whomever it was wanted to be there with him instead of where they should be. He forced himself into a seated position as the door opened and he shook his head when Bobby walked in. “Shouldn't you be with the children?”

“Trust me, they won't even notice that I'm gone,” Bobby said, laughing. “The Professor went over the top this year, but then again, he does this every year.”

“I remember,” John said, running his hands through his hair. “It was always quite the experience.”

“I never realized what it was really like until I was here for one,” Bobby murmured. “It's been a good look into what I was failing to understand for all those years.”

John sighed. “Why do I get the feeling you've thought a lot about what you think you did wrong when it comes to me over the past five years?”

“Because I did,” Bobby said defensively. “Things make a lot more sense to me.” 

“And what sort of things are we talking about?” 

Bobby swallowed hard. “The Professor has been telling me for years that I should just tell you should we ever get the chance to have a conversation like this, and yet it's kind of the hardest thing in the world to actually do.”

“I am incredibly confused right now,” John said honestly. “Because I can't even begin to imagine what this is about.”

“I'm sure it's just my imagination, but over the years I have had moments where I can just about believe that you felt the same way.”

“Felt the same way about what?”

“Even if you did, I didn't think you would anymore. Still don't, no matter how much you coming back shows that you're not the person I thought you were. But after you showed up yesterday, the Professor said to me again that I should just tell you.”

“Bobby.”

“Then you told me you were going to kill yourself and I sort of feel like I have to now. You need to know that there's stuff worth living for.”

“Bobby, whatever it is, it's okay.”

“I didn't realize it at the time. Didn't realize it for a couple of years, actually. But I have spent the last few years wondering what would be different if I had. If you would have left if I had told you then.”

“Bobby, just tell me.”

Bobby took a deep breath and ducked his head down. “Rogue wasn't the one I was in love with. You were.”

John sat there silently as Bobby's words tumbled around in his brain before finally settling, and he was laughing before he registered what he was doing. “You were what?”

“You don't have to laugh,” Bobby said, his voice betraying the hurt he was feeling.

John sobered up pretty quickly. “Whatever it is you're thinking right now is not why I'm laughing.”

“Sure it's not.”

“Fuck, Bobby, you remember how I react to shit. I laugh a lot.”

“I shouldn't have told you,” Bobby said, turning around and heading for the door.

“I loved you too,” John said as Bobby reached it, and Bobby paused. “I felt like I was drowning from the moment you started showing interest in Rogue and I didn't understand what that meant. All I knew was after awhile I couldn't stand to see you two together, and when we were stuck together after the raid happened, I wanted nothing more than to get as far away from the two of you as I could. That's why I got off the plane that day. Going with him was just a way to make sure that I didn't have to be around you two anymore. I didn't really want to and I paid for that decision every day for the last five years.”

Bobby turned around and stared at him. “What?”

“I was a stupid teenage kid that thought running away from my problems was the best way to solve them. All it did was make my life, which was pretty fucking great no matter how much I thought it wasn't, pretty fucking miserable.”

Bobby leaned up against the closed door and ran his hands over his face. “I'm sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For Rogue. I'm sorry for everything I did with Rogue. I didn't mean to push you away.”

“I know you didn't,” John said softly. “And you didn't. I pushed myself away because I was an idiot.”

“You're not an idiot,” Bobby said, shaking his head.

“I really am,” John said seriously.

“Then we both are.”

“That I can agree to,” John laughed. “You were definitely an idiot when we were kids.”

“Oh like you didn't do a bunch of stupid shit too,” Bobby laughed. “I don't really know how to handle this.”

“Neither do I,” John said after a moment. “I mean, we probably missed our window.”

“Maybe,” Bobby murmured. “Or maybe not. I think it's too soon to tell.”

“You think?”

“There's a lot that needs to happen before any of that can be even discussed,” Bobby said firmly. “I'm still fucking furious about a lot of things, and it's going to take me awhile to realize that you're here and I'm not going to face you on a battlefield again, but maybe we can get there someday.”

John sat there for a moment before smiling. “I'd like that.”

“I'd like that too,” Bobby said, smiling back. “Come have breakfast? It's the best way to avoid the children, and trust me, right now I want to avoid the children.”

“You get to do that?”

Bobby grinned. “I drew the short straw this year. That means I'm off duty today.” 

John laughed. “So you get the day off and you want to spend it with me?”

“Yes, I do,” Bobby said honestly. “I need to give you a chance. I want to give you a chance. And maybe by the end of the day I won't be so angry.”

“If that's what you want.”

“That's what I want,” Bobby said. “Get dressed. I'll be in my room.”

John watched as Bobby walked out of the room and collapsed back to the bed, wondering what the fuck had just happened.

**********

The next time Christmas rolled around, John was in a much better place than he had been in when he'd arrived the year before. He was settled into mansion life again, had been helping out Charles by teaching some voluntary writing classes, and felt like he'd repaired relationships that had been broken. No one had forgiven him as much as Bobby had, however, and John found himself cherishing every single second that they spent together the way he'd realized that he had done when they were teenagers. He kept trying to temper his emotions, kept trying to remember that no matter how much a burnt bridge had been repaired that it didn't mean he'd ever actually get the chance to turn it into something more.

He was trying to just be happy with the fact that Bobby had once considered him someone to love instead of concentrating on the fact that he wasn't that someone anymore.

John had assumed that Bobby was monitoring the children on Christmas this year until the knock at his door came just after eight o'clock in the morning as the choir started to sing. He called out for Bobby to come in and, as soon as he was in the room, John started talking before Bobby could say a word. “What, did you draw the short straw again this year?”

“No, actually, Kitty did,” Bobby said, walking over to the bed and laying down next to John. “But she agreed to trade with me.”

“Why the fuck would she do that?” John asked, looking over at him. 

“Well, I promised to do the next two months of Danger Room sessions, which she very much appreciated,” Bobby said, taking a deep breath. “She also knew how important what I wanted to talk to you about was.”

“And what was that?”

Bobby took another deep breath before rolling onto his side so he was facing John. “It's been quite the year.”

“Yeah, it has. I never thought I'd have a year like this again.”

“Neither did I,” Bobby said, causing John to give him a confused look. 

“What?”

“I've already told you that the happiest years of my life were the ones I spent as a student here before you left. I didn't realize it at the time and I only really thought about it after I realized that I'd been in love with you for pretty much all of that time. So I didn't think I'd ever have a year like that again because I thought that you would never be here. And now you are.”

John smiled. “So it's been a good year.”

“It's been a great year,” Bobby corrected. “Sure, there's some stuff that has absolutely sucked about it, but then I'd see you and things would just be better. So it had me realizing things again.”

“Such as?”

Bobby stared at John for a moment before leaning forward quickly and pressing their lips together. It took John a moment to start kissing him back, and the moment he got the chance to, he deepened the kiss. Bobby groaned softly when they broke apart for air and John just gave him a huge smile. “That was a good kiss.”

“Yeah, it was,” Bobby said, diving in for another one. 

The process repeated itself six times before John put his hands on Bobby's shoulders and forced them apart, peering at him through curious eyes. “What is all this about?”

“Last year you said that we missed our window,” Bobby said quietly. “I decided that what really happened was that our window hadn't started yet. If you had told me when we were kids that you were in love with me, I probably would have reacted badly. I think the same might be true if it was reversed. So we didn't have a window then. But we have one now and I'm not going to let us miss it.”

John blinked a couple of times. “What?”

“You being here for the past year has just made me realize that I never stopped loving you,” Bobby murmured. “And all this year has done is made me go back to actually being in love with you.”

John was quiet for a few minutes. “Really?”

Bobby suddenly got very scared. “Have I been reading things wrong? Because I thought that maybe you might be feeling the same way and I thought...”

John leaned forward and kissed him to shut him up. “No, no, you haven't been reading anything wrong. I just thought this would never happen.”

“A year ago? No. But you've proven that you're genuine and remorseful and I just cannot see a reason to stay so angry with you anymore. It's counterproductive to everything that I want, and what I want is to be with you.”

John watched him for a moment. “You're being serious.”

Bobby just nodded, drawing a large smile out of John. 

“Then I guess it's a good thing that what I want is to be with you.”

Bobby grinned at him. “That's the best gift I'm going to receive today.”

“And you are giving me the only gift I'm going to give a fuck about today.”

“Some of your students spent a long time picking out what to give you,” Bobby pointed out.

“First off, I don't have students. I'm not a professor. Secondly, I remember the shit I used to buy for the professors. I'm not going to give a fuck about any of this stuff, though I will gratefully accept it and say thank you.”

Bobby just laughed. “You're a professor whether you want to call yourself one or not. And they mean well.”

“I am not a professor.”

“Then you better tell the Professor that, because he's going to ask you to come on staff for next semester.”

John's eyes widened. “What?”

“He wants to make writing a permanent part of the curriculum. It'll still be up to the students whether or not they want to take it, but he wants to make it available to more of them. The only way he can do that is if he gives it a proper classroom to be taught in and sets aside time in the schedule for classes throughout the day instead of it just happening every Thursday afternoon in the library. And there's only one person he will ever think is good enough to teach them and you know that person is you.”

John took a deep breath. “I don't know if I can do that.”

“You're already doing it,” Bobby pointed out. “And you'll be great at it.”

“You think?”

“I think you can do anything if you put your mind to it. You always have been capable of that.”

John smiled. “I'm not sure I've always agreed with that.”

“But you do now?”

“I've got a new lease on life. A new perspective.”

Bobby reached out and caressed the side of John's face. “You have no idea how much you scared me last year when you said what you would have done if we'd turned you away.”

“And you have no idea how scared I was of possibly having to do it,” John murmured. “But I have no plans to ever think about that again. Ever think like that again. I just want to be happy.”

“And I hope to make you happy.”

“You do,” John said. “I hope I can make you happy too.”

“You already do.”

John grinned. “So if you have the whole day off, what are you going to do?”

“I have a few ideas,” Bobby said, grinning back. “It all depends on if you're up for them or not.”

John rolled his eyes. “Seriously?”

“What? Everyone else is occupied all day. I figured we should take advantage of that.”

John just pushed Bobby onto his back, climbing on top of him. “You're right. We should.”

Bobby laughed and, as he brought their lips together, John couldn't help but laugh too.


End file.
